Lardbutt Launches His Diet...Week One Report

(N.B. You can never have enough motivations to diet. My Doc showed me bad numbers. Got a new Grandkid. But my biggest immediate motivation is fear of embarrassment. My second son is getting married May 10. So this diet is the: “Not Gonna Be the Fattest Guy at the Wedding Diet”

                                                                                                                                          

Week One Report: Starting weight 244.4 Goal by May 10: 220

EIGHT IS GREAT

Eight pounds lost with relatively little exercise was indeed a great start.. Yup, Ol’ lard butt here dropped eight big ones in the opening stanza. 

To be honest the first “week” was a little more than seven days, but four of those days were spent visiting family, including Grandson Mason (3 1/2) and new Grandson Tobey (two weeks).

Diet or see new Grandson for the first time? Easy. I’ll do both.  A motivated dieter doesn’t have to stay home for the entire diet. It helps when your kids care about your health. It helps when you can burn off calories trying to keep up with baby's older brother.

So I’ll take the Great Eight any way I can. I know from previous diets that the first few days produce a sense of euphoria and an increase of energy. This comes from eliminating the daily input of junk calories I’d been taking in as well as removing guilt I’d been inhaling for letting my weight get away from me.

But I’m not fooling myself. Week One is water loss and your body thanking you for finally starting to care about it again.  I’ve usually lost in the double digits the first week of past diets, but as an experienced dieter, I know the second week is never as easy.

“When you’re on a diet, lying, for lack of a better word, is good.”

 Apologies to Gordon Gekko, but the one thing I know about dieting is lying is often required.  Even when they know you’re dieting, people will urge you to sin.  You may lie instead.

*“Love to try just a teeny tiny bite of your famous Lemon Chiffon pie, but I’m allergic to lemons. And chiffon.”

*“Sorry I can’t split a pizza. My swallow reflex is busted.”

*"I left my dessert money in my other pants."

Lying may also be the only way to escape an ambush by strangers.  

I had to earlier today when I went off to buy fruit. Because we’re saving money by eating light, we can splurge on the best we can find— today it was at an upscale grocery called Gelson’s. This is a good diet trick—don’t just eat what’s good for you, but eat the best “what’s-good-for-you” you can find and afford.

Gelson’s had a trap set up. I’d prepped myself for not going near their cookie aisle or the fresh bread or pastry departments. But I couldn’t avoid passing the little, sweet-faced Girl Scouts and their Moms guarding the entrance.

“So sorry, we have a lot of Girl Scouts on our block, and we’ve already ordered twice what we can eat,” I said, not stopping to be dissuaded.  A lie, but a very good white lie.

Remember, you are on a diet. You are trying to save your own health and your own life. Don’t let guilt or temptation do you in.

NEXT REPORT: Week Two gets off to a shaky start.