Shaken Nerves, Rattled Brain, Week Two Surprises

DIET REPORT: Week Two, Mar 15-21

STARTING WEIGHT                                       244.4

WEIGHT AT START OF WEEK TWO:       236. 4

WEIGHT AT END OF WEEK ONE:             230.4  

Loss (gain) this week                                         6.0 POUNDS  

Loss (gain) since diet start                                14.0 POUNDS  

As we noted in our last report, the first week of my Fat Old Guy (FOG) Diet got off to an excellent start.

Week Two got off to a Shaky start. Sorry, that was a pun.  

See, the “shaky start” referred to an earthquake, whose epicenter was a mere ten miles from Diet Central.  The unwelcome visitor was 4.4 on the Moment Magnitude Scale, which used to be called the Richter Scale,. That was changed by the U.S. Earthquake Confusion Council’s Vice President in Charge of  Earthquake Terminology.

No matter. In California, we tend to call an earthquake of that size a Ground Fart. (As this is written, the ground around LA farted twice, then delivered a not-so-funny 5.1 earthquake. A few more of these and I’ll count them as part of my exercise program)

Meanwhile, on to the rest of Week Two.

I hate Week Two of Diets.

Week One is all energy and enthusiasm, water loss and clothes that garrote you a little less.  Week Two is your body and your willpower fighting back.

“Hey, who said you could diet? Who do you think is running this dump?” says your body.

“Come on, you lost eight pounds last week, one little slice of Apple pie can’t hurt,   make it a la mode. You should celebrate!” That would be your Willpower trying to get you to rationalize the weight back on you.

Even when I stay strong the second week.  I’ve  found it is a dangerous week that can cause me or anyone to be discouraged. It never matches that first week because there is only so much water to lose.  

I looked for ways to keep the Faith.  Fortunately the Internet came to my rescue this time.

Check out this thoughful gift a wife gave her soldier-husband returning from a year in Afghanistan. LINK http://www.buzzfeed.com/rachelzarrell/man-returns-home-from-the-army-to-wife-weight-loss?bftw

A second item deals with consequence of staying fat, even if it’s for business reasons.  http://www.newser.com/story/183914/one-of-tvs-two-fat-ladies-dead-at-66.html

If celebrity and fame are no protection, you’ve got to know in your heart of hearts that you’re just as vulnerable.  

The great news for me was Week Two didn’t happen. Instead of a tiny loss or even slight gain, I managed to lose a sixer. I don’t know why. Perhaps I had more willpower than I suspected. Or more water weight was just looking for an excuse to make its escape.

NEXT REPORT: Is Week Three the new Week Two?

Lardbutt Launches His Diet...Week One Report

(N.B. You can never have enough motivations to diet. My Doc showed me bad numbers. Got a new Grandkid. But my biggest immediate motivation is fear of embarrassment. My second son is getting married May 10. So this diet is the: “Not Gonna Be the Fattest Guy at the Wedding Diet”

                                                                                                                                          

Week One Report: Starting weight 244.4 Goal by May 10: 220

EIGHT IS GREAT

Eight pounds lost with relatively little exercise was indeed a great start.. Yup, Ol’ lard butt here dropped eight big ones in the opening stanza. 

To be honest the first “week” was a little more than seven days, but four of those days were spent visiting family, including Grandson Mason (3 1/2) and new Grandson Tobey (two weeks).

Diet or see new Grandson for the first time? Easy. I’ll do both.  A motivated dieter doesn’t have to stay home for the entire diet. It helps when your kids care about your health. It helps when you can burn off calories trying to keep up with baby's older brother.

So I’ll take the Great Eight any way I can. I know from previous diets that the first few days produce a sense of euphoria and an increase of energy. This comes from eliminating the daily input of junk calories I’d been taking in as well as removing guilt I’d been inhaling for letting my weight get away from me.

But I’m not fooling myself. Week One is water loss and your body thanking you for finally starting to care about it again.  I’ve usually lost in the double digits the first week of past diets, but as an experienced dieter, I know the second week is never as easy.

“When you’re on a diet, lying, for lack of a better word, is good.”

 Apologies to Gordon Gekko, but the one thing I know about dieting is lying is often required.  Even when they know you’re dieting, people will urge you to sin.  You may lie instead.

*“Love to try just a teeny tiny bite of your famous Lemon Chiffon pie, but I’m allergic to lemons. And chiffon.”

*“Sorry I can’t split a pizza. My swallow reflex is busted.”

*"I left my dessert money in my other pants."

Lying may also be the only way to escape an ambush by strangers.  

I had to earlier today when I went off to buy fruit. Because we’re saving money by eating light, we can splurge on the best we can find— today it was at an upscale grocery called Gelson’s. This is a good diet trick—don’t just eat what’s good for you, but eat the best “what’s-good-for-you” you can find and afford.

Gelson’s had a trap set up. I’d prepped myself for not going near their cookie aisle or the fresh bread or pastry departments. But I couldn’t avoid passing the little, sweet-faced Girl Scouts and their Moms guarding the entrance.

“So sorry, we have a lot of Girl Scouts on our block, and we’ve already ordered twice what we can eat,” I said, not stopping to be dissuaded.  A lie, but a very good white lie.

Remember, you are on a diet. You are trying to save your own health and your own life. Don’t let guilt or temptation do you in.

NEXT REPORT: Week Two gets off to a shaky start.

Summer’s Coming, Lardbutt. What Now?

My Gut today. The T-shirt was purchased at Goodwill for $1.99.

I am fat.

And in case someone is reading this to you, that’s “F-A-T” fat, not “P-H-A-T” fat. 

According to the Urban Dictionary, “PHAT” stands for “Pretty Hot and Tempting.”

I haven’t been pretty hot and/or tempting since my salad says. Had I eaten more salad and less fat then, I might be a little more Phat and a lot less fat now. But that ship sailed, foundered, and sank in a vat of cake batter ages ago.  

What to do? Start yet another diet, of course. I created this blog and I'm telling everyone I know about this new diet because my fear of public humiliation can make me pass on pork chops, forgo fries, eschew Éclairs and decline donuts like nothing else.

I have other good reasons to diet.

*My once top notch medical numbers are now Top Gun—I am in the Danger Zone.*

*I need wide-angle lenses for Selfies.

*In silhouette, I look like a toothpick smuggling a bathtub.

*I can’t walk from here to the liquor cabinet without a rest stop.

*I’m a few pounds shy of having to wear a Wide Load sign under California’s Draconian “No Fat Guys” ordinance.

*I’m 6’0” 244.  Didn’t say I was morbidly obese. Just Fat.  Fat for my age. Fat for your age. Fat for everybody’s age.

*I have a deadline. I want to weigh 220 by May 10^th.  That gives me nine weeks.

My Three Most Memorable Diets

I’ve had many disastrous diets and two successful ones in my lifetime.

The Most disastrous was my infamous Two-Day Metrecal Diet at age seventeen. Metrecal was the first diet drink in a can.  It tasted like liquefied chalk with just a hint of cat yak.  You drank it four times a day and ate nothing else. 900 calories.

Day One:  Drank four cans of Metrecal. NOTES: Mild hunger.  Good energy. Optimism high.

Day Two: Drank three cans of Metrecal, then ate six fried egg sandwiches. NOTES: I have never been so hungry in my life.

My first successful diet was in college.  I carried 225 gelatinous pounds wrapped over, under, around and through my frame. Summer after sophomore year, my Air Force officer Dad started a new diet. Dad was no fun on a diet. Grizzlies ran from his mighty Roar of Hunger. Windows shattered. Dogs climbed trees. Pigeons bled from the eyes. The Sasquatch Legend was born.

But not this time. Dad had new pills, prescribed by his flight surgeon. He nibbled at food, turned raconteur at the dinner table, then washed the dishes while whistling camping tunes. The pounds poured off.  “I love this Diet,” the shadow of my Father said. “I’m losing weight and I’m flat out adorable.”

Of course he was. He was on Speed. Amphetamines had just hit the diet market. Soon, I had my own prescription.  The weight also slid off me. Dad and I washed and rewashed the dishes together, chattering like chipmunks. When I returned to college a sylph-like 170, I was welcomed with cries of “Are you dying?” and “When did Audrey Hepburn join the fraternity?”

Before long, college kids wasted this perfectly good diet pill to pull all-nighters, and the great Legal Amphetamine Crutch was gone. Dad and I got fat again.

My third memorable diet boasted an official 46-pound weight loss. The event was recorded and documented by the highly respected “The Washingtonian” magazine years before the Reality Show diets hit TV. It was started by four fat writers bumping bellies at the magazine’s annual Christmas Party.

Next:: How I won the PHAD Diet. Why competitive weight loss can work for you. More fat jokes. And how did my first week go?

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*Movie reference. The song "Danger Zone" by Kenny Loggins was from the movie Top Gun.